Blog › March 2007 Archives

Clever shit
Coming back home on the tube tonight, I met a man who tried to do the human race a favour by removing himself from the gene pool, using alcohol as his tool of choice.

I first noticed him when, on a nearly empty train, he lurched over to my area of the carriage and sort of hung over me. I glanced up at him, with a look calculated to convey a message along the lines of "my personal space ends about a metre beyond where you are now", which seemed to work because he backed off.

A few seconds later he decided to sit down - I say "decided", actually it had more to do with a sudden change in the train's velocity which caught him off balance. I had cunningly placed my man-bag on the seat next to me so he careered into the seat beyond that.

He then did his best to engage me in conversation. Conversation, that is, in the form of Antipodean grunts. I believe he used the word "brethren" a lot although I couldn't be sure. Again, cunningly, I had my iPod(tm) headphones in, so I could pretend I didn't hear anything.

At Earl's Court, the train filled with people, and a girl sat down on the previously empty seat between the hero of the story, and me. I instantly felt guilty, mainly because of the pungent odour he was emitting, and thought about offering to switch places with her, but it was too late. He had already started making his "moves", which consisted of the following conversation:

Him: "Hello gorgeous."
Her: "You stink."
Him: "Oh."

She got off at the next stop.

The rest of the journey was spent with him trying to come up with increasingly desperate insults, I assume directed at me, although because the motion of the train had a direct effect on his ability to stay in his seat, the insults could have been directed at the floor, it was difficult to tell.

He went through the basics: "you're bald" (true), "you're wearing a checked shirt" (also true), "Mr. iPod" (clutching at straws). My personal favourite, and the one that I feel summarises his ability to stay in the gene pool, was his critique on the copy of New Scientist that was I was reading:

"Clever shit."
25 March, 2007 at 23:26 2 Comments
Climate science
This New Scientist article indicates that some "fudging" of climate science may have been systematically occurring over the last 10 years. The guy who seems to have been responsible, Phil Cooney, used to be a lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute, and he has since gone on to ExxonMobil. In other words, exactly the kind of person we want influencing the policy of the global hegemon on climate change.

While I'm complaining about other people / entities doing their best to destroy the world, allow me to mention Shell - this year's sponsor of the Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition. Friends of the Earth has an interesting set of photos highlighting their more accurate role as Shell: Wildlife Destroyer of the Year.

Okay, enough green politics. I don't know what I'm talking about anyway.
20 March, 2007 at 22:31 0 Comments
Toilet paper folder and dispenser
Eventually, this had to be invented by somebody: an "automatic", although by the looks of it not-quite-working, toilet paper folder and dispenser.

Edit: While we're on the subject of toilet paper, have a look at this discussion on crumple vs. fold...
18 March, 2007 at 23:52 0 Comments
Increasing the maximum connections to a server in IE and Firefox
Although the HTTP 1.1 specification says that only two connections to a single server should be allowed through a browser, it's often necessary (well, preferable) to open more connections. For example, when downloading multiple files, or simply to increase rendering speed.

In Internet Explorer, you just need to add the following value to your registry:

[HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Internet Settings]
"MaxConnectionsPerServer"=dword:00000010

In Firefox, type about:config in the address bar, and then change this value, for example to 16:

network.http.max-persistent-connections-per-server

Hope this helps!
15 March, 2007 at 16:12 0 Comments
Urinal etiquette
Relatively speaking, there has been very little written on the subject of urinals. This is strange, as urinals are very much a part of the life of the modern day man. I have decided to redress this shortcoming, and provide a detailed explanation of the usage of said conveniences.

Introduction
There are many, many different factors to be taken into account during the use of urinals. It is not, as some people uneducated in the field may think, a simple matter of walking into the men's toilets, doing one's business, washing one's hands, and leaving. Oh no. Using a urinal correctly has as much etiquette and as many rules as eating at a high-class restaurant. Not that those two things are in any way related.

Urinal Etiquette
Now we get down to the actual rules themselves:

Finding a Urinal
  • If there is a cubicle available, you should always use it in preference to a urinal, unless:
    • none of the urinals are currently being used, or
    • there are several free (and contiguous) urinals, or
    • you would have to walk past the urinals to get to the vacant cubicle.
  • If you must use a urinal, it is necessary to carefully pick the appropriate urinal. Failure to do so will result in strange looks and a feeling of embarassment. This will also make you less of a man. Use the following rules to pick a urinal:
    • If there are 3 vacant urinals in a row, choose the middle one of the three.
    • If all the urinals but one are free, and if the one being used is at one end of the set of urinals, do not under any circumstances choose the urinal at the other end of the line, unless there are less than four urinals in total. Doing so would be homophobic and bad. In general terms, when faced with this situation, you should pick a urinal that is halfway between the centre point of the line of urinals, and the vacant end.
    • If there are only 2 vacant urinals in a row, then which one of the 2 you pick is pretty much up to you, but if possible pick the urinal that is nearest the end of the line, or nearest the door.
    • If each free urinal is separate (i.e. there is a maximum of 1 free in a row) then only use a urinal if the spacing between urinals is greater than 70cm. Any less than this, and you risk brushing against one of the other urinal users. This is bad. If the spacing is less than 70cm, you must wait until 2 or more urinals in a row become available.

Using a Urinal
We now assume that you have successfully found a urinal, and are ready to start using it. The process becomes a little more complicated at this point, and there are several things you must think about:
  • Unzipping - this must be done completely nonchalantly. No signs of self-consciousness or uncomfortableness should be shown. It is preferable to keep looking straight ahead, but if necessary then a quick glance downwards is acceptable.
  • While doing your business, eye position is extremely important. In fact the importance of this point cannot be overstated. Always look straight ahead or up at the ceiling. Do not look down, and under no circumstances should you look at other urinal users.
  • Some people find it helpful to whistle as a way of informing others that they are comfortable with the situation. Remember not to whistle too loudly, as this indicates a slightly forced comfortableness, suggesting that in fact the urinal user is ill at ease in the situation. A sound recording of the suggested whistling volume will be uploaded to this site soon.
14 March, 2007 at 08:42 0 Comments